My Cry to You
So, I have to talk about something, because it’s been driving me crazy. Last week, I had an… incident, let’s call it. I was alone in the cafeteria at school (it was late at night and the staff had just left). A guy came up to me and started saying really weird shit. “You looked so safe over here, I thought I would come rattle you.” “I’ve been watching you for the past couple weeks.” “You look like you have anxiety problems.”
I stayed as calm as I could, trying not to let him see that he was bothering me in case he was doing this to have some power over me. The feminist in me was telling me to tell him off in no uncertain terms. But I didn’t.
Afterward I dodged out of school for the week. I cried even thinking about going back to class. I just couldn’t handle it.
I came back this Monday, told campus security what had happened (“What he did wasn’t technically illegal, but here’s the number to call if he tries to talk to you again”), and tried to go on with my life. But now I’m trucking to the other end of campus everyday I’m there just to be away from that place, I’m constantly watching my back… I don’t know. Some part of me thinks I’m overreacting, but another part of me knows that letting that attention endure would only hurt me.
I have to let go of this fear. I can’t let one incident take me down. I let him take my power even though I knew that was what he wanted. And I’m so angry at myself, so sick to my stomach about my cowardice, that I’m starting to resent every action I take. What kind of feminist am I if I can’t handle these kinds of battles? How can I talk about standing up to these perpetrators for other people if I can’t do it myself?
I don’t know if I’m looking for comfort, advice, a new perspective, whatever. I just needed to talk about it, and I figure if someone is in the same boat as me, we can talk about it together and figure this out.